Communicaton in a Marriage

There’s a lot of people out there badmouthing marriage. And there’s some good reasons for that. But if you are married you should be trying like hell to stay that way. That doesn’t mean you have to kowtow to your wife, that’s actually the worst way to get her respect. But you do have to learn to work through your problems. If possible, after you’ve made up from a fight, or during the make up, try to figure out what went wrong.

I’m going to tell my laundry story now.  We had two or three young kids at the time and my wife was starting to fold some laundry. I thought to myself. “Hey self, go help” So I went over and started folding some of my t-shirts. My wife then got very angry and started yelling at me. This of course I found very confusing. Once everyone calmed down I asked why she got angry. She said it was because I was only worried about my own stuff and she could tell because I was just folding my own shirts. I replied that was because I definitely knew who’s they were and how to fold them. She also expressed her thought that I wasn’t doing enough to help.  So she learned that I was trying to help as best I could and I learned that I should try to help out more. The important thing was that she had assigned the wrong motivation to my actions, and getting that misconception out of the way kept this from being stored away in the “why I hate him” pile of bad deeds.

Other guys tell me their wives won’t let them revisit issues. So, not sure if this will work for you, but when they say “marriage depends on communication” and “marriage is work”, it’s these kind of events I think they are talking about.

I’ve got a full post on my thoughts on marriage. Yes it’s a scary place, but it can be great once you get the kinks worked out.

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Lying media and the Catholic Church

The lying media hates the Catholic Church. I think it’s because their religion is leftism/communism/feminism/etcism, and they see another religion as a threat to theirs. The media reveled in the church’s priest scandals, though they were careful to label the gay priests as “pedophiles” so they wouldn’t offend the gay members of leftism. They appear to be fawning over Pope Francis, not because of respect, but because he is easily misquoted and misrepresented into sounding like a leftist. Nothing could be further from the truth. “concern for the poor” is turned into “communism is good’ or ”capitalism is bad”. “Gays and divorced should be welcomed to the church” is turned into “Pope approves of gay marriage and divorce” I assure you, that even though the church welcomes everyone, the Pope is standing by traditional marriage.

Another aspect of Christianity the lying media and leftists hate is that it goes against the “everything and I mean everything goes” attitude of the left. They don’t want to feel bad when they dump their spouse, abandon their children and run off with their gay lover.

So I submit to you, my tiny handful of readers, that if the lying leftist media is against it, maybe it is something good. In fact, maybe Christianity is something wonderful.

Christianity allowed the kind of culture that developed into western civilization. If you don’t believe that, go live in Syria for a bit.

Christianity does forbid a number of behaviors, THAT YOU WILL PERSONALLY GREATLY BENEFIT BY NOT DOING. Think about it, what good comes from coveting your neighbors wife or stuff? Does anyone really benefit very much from divorce? Certainly the children don’t, and most divorced people I’ve talked to take years if not decades to recover, if they can recover at all. Not stealing or murdering seem pretty obvious, though leftists are only for murdering or stealing from conservatives. I suggest any leftists reading think about the commandment “Thou shalt have no other gods” and drop out of the lying left.

My thoughts on Marriage

Some of you may be thinking about marriage in your future, (and some of you may be thinking about divorce), so I thought I’d take a few minutes and share my thoughts on this subject. Our American culture is so full of misunderstanding and misconception about what marriage means, that I thought I’d share another view.

 

Marriage in today’s legal world is a very dangerous place for a man. If a man with children gets divorced he divides his bank account in half. He probably loses his house. He will also be making payments for child support and alimony. He may very well lose his children if his ex works to turn them against him. He may also lose his reputation by the ex accusing him of various crimes such as child molestation, domestic violence or just about anything. A relative of mine was falsely accused of molestation, and it was a nightmare for him. So, it can be a real horror show if divorce happens, and divorce happens a lot.

 

So, I found myself debating myself. Should I be pushing my sons toward marriage which in today’s world may ultimately be very detrimental to their well being? I think the answer is yes, but with a caveat that one had better make sure from the onset that they make that marriage work.

 

I think some of the benefits of marriage; companionship, friendship, and intimacy are well known and are portrayed in just about every movie and song out there. But one big plus of marriage is often portrayed as a negative, and that is the children that often come out of it. I wanted children, but greatly underestimated both the both the effect, and the reward. Raising successful and happy children has provided me personally a huge, huge amount of personal satisfaction. I’m not saying there weren’t trying, terrifying, and tedious moments along the way but the satisfaction is huge and there were many terrific moments during the whole process. Some couples choose to not have children. My spouse says, yes you shouldn’t have children if you don’t want them. But I think those people are ultimately missing out on one of life’s great joys.

 

But recognize that once a child shows up, the marriage fundamentally changes. It becomes much more important because the changes aren’t just affecting the people who decided to form a team, but also the people that didn’t get a vote. And divorce really doesn’t help the children. In fact, studies show that children from the lowest socioeconomic group of intact families do better than children from the highest socioeconomic group of single families. So it is extremely important that you work at your marriage for the long haul because once you have children they need your marriage to work.

 

There is a lot of misinformation, a lot of it from Hollywood and the liberal left about marriage. It focuses on how marriage is a romantic time where you have to find your “soul mate” and then “live happily ever after”. Then they provide you with just about the worst tool ever by telling you “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. FemiNazis say marriage is the oppression of women, which is about as foolish as the other things they say. They say, if you didn’t find the right one the first time, just get a divorce and move on. And like everything coming from the liberal left, this is all bullshit. Marriages were arranged or at least approved of for couples for most of recorded history. Marriages are still arranged in many cultures. And if the vast majority of these arranged marriages can survive, and they do, marital durability must be due to something more than finding your soul mate.

 

 

The real tools for marital durability involve trying to be unselfish. You have to recognize the infatuation phase will wear off and then you are just two people trying to work things out and to form a good working team. Recognize now this other person isn’t your soul mate, but someone you like and want to work with. Probably the most important thing is to not let negative things build up. When things go wrong, you have to work through your problems (with a lot of talking) to a compromise of some sort. The church and God are an ally in this as they reiterate the message of self-sacrifice and love. Not romantic love, but the love they talk about in church that means forgiving, work and sacrifice.

 

So, I am coming down in favor of marriage. But it’s a big commitment that I wanted to make sure you went into with your eyes open to the risks and the rewards. Use all the tools, church, family, communication, the church’s pre marriage course, and your own personal commitment to make the marriage work. And whatever you do, don’t think divorce is the easy way out.

 

Women Are NOT The Enemy

There are a lot of men who think men should either avoid women or to avoid marriage. I read the comments on manosphere blogs, and can see a huge amount of bitterness and fear expressed by the writers. There’s talk of losing everything through frivorce. Lots of people advise walking away from women altogether, while others say have all the temporary girlfriends you want, but never get close and form a partnership with one.

 

There’s no doubt why people have come to this conclusion. I have an article here describing the completely twisted world view of a fully indoctrinated femi-nazi. And there is no doubt about the number of completely spoiled women, and men, running around out there in the US and other western countries. I think perhaps it’s worse for women with the “you can be anything, you are special, and you are better than everyone else” chant running through the media and pop culture. I am especially offended by the ridiculous female action heroes portrayed in film.

 

Some of you may say there are no spoiled men out there, but I point to Elliot Rodger as the poster child for warped, immature, and spoiled men.

 

People have also pointed out on various manosphere sites that women crave with all their hearts and souls to be in a relationship. I believe this to be absolutely true, though feminism is busily teaching a contradictory message. That message though, contradicts women’s nature and this is demonstrated by all the femi-nazis rejecting men in the daytime while looking for a husband every evening.

 

I also believe women want leadership. (that popping sound you hear is feminist heads exploding) This is why they are more attracted to men who have a plan. My daughter recently dumped a guy who was constantly manipulating her to ask him out. This is why “alphas” do well in the dating market. But there is another component of this that’s perhaps not well understood. Women also want to have influence over whatever the plan is. My daughter also recently dumped a guy who didn’t listen to her at all. No listening, no influence. The women want the men to be planning the future while they influence whatever decision is made. I have found that this is a good thing. My wife and I can point to decisions we spent a lot of time going back and forth over and those decisions were better than any decision either of us would have made on our own.

 

In summary, women want an equal partnership. They want men’s affection, leadership, and companionship. In return, they will be the best mothers they can be, as they will totally devote themselves to their children. If you are a man and you want children, never, ever consider having them without providing a mother as well. The father provides leadership and guidance to the children. The mother gives them everything else. Couples in a good partnership will stay married, produce great children, and will ultimately really enjoy that relationship. There will be unpleasant moments along the way, and marriage, as is pointed out quite frequently is full of risk, but with high risk comes great reward.

Don’t marry a femi-nazi

My daughter recently had a conversation with her cousin who is a young liberal lady. Her cousin said two surprising things. One was that because men would earn so much more than her over their lifetimes, they should always pay for her meals. The second was that men were now obsolete and the human race could continue with just women and artificial insemination. Now these goals are a bit mutually exclusive. A man can’t pay for your dinner after you’ve euthanized him. Well I suppose once you’ve divvied up all his things he sort of can. That’s the way the Nazis did it. Let’s look at each of these liberal “ideas” one at time.

 

Idea one. Men earn more. Well, this is true. Why is this? Is this because of sex discrimination? Not really. It’s because men take different jobs. They take dirty and dangerous jobs. They also take less flexible jobs, where they can’t leave to pick up the kids. Walk around an oil well, a power plant, or a coal mine. Who are most of the people there? Men. Even though this makes the leftists crazy, because they want equal results for every one, it’s really for the best. Why? Because the ladies expect you to pay for their dinner, expect you to buy the engagement ring, and want you to earn lots of cash to pay for the kids they want to stay home with. And here’s the real kicker. Because hypergamy is real, women are much more attracted to high earners, especially the ones who earn more than they do. So the liberal ladies resent your higher earning power even while they seek you out for it.

 

Idea two. Let’s kill all the men and take their stuff. Here’s an example of a liberal idea that may just be too stupid to even comment on. Some recent libtard books; “The End of Men”-Hanna Rosin, “Are Men Necessary?”-Maureen Dowd. You may say, “You haven’t even read these.” To which I reply, “Thank you.”

 

If you’re dating or engaged to a girl that subscribes to these theories, think about maybe finding a different girl who doesn’t. It’s going to be tough to have an equal partnership with someone who thinks you owe her, or that the she would be better off with you dead.

Game of Life Part I

The game of life Part I

I decided to try most things life offered. Not all things but most. And I’ve tried some things, like rolling my car, that I didn’t really want to do at all.

That philosophy allowed me to surrender my freedom to marriage. There’s a lot of writing about pros and cons on marriage. But something that’s not mentioned enough is that the real benefit and purpose of marriage, is to raise children. And I don’t mean any children, but happy, prosperous and contributing children.

I once saw an interview of a famous actor, possibly Art Linklater, who didn’t spend much if any time talking about himself, but was focused on how terrific his children are. And it is important to have successful children. Maybe not successful in the way you envisioned, but successful. One friend of mine married a woman who was unbelievably lazy and without a shred of self-discipline. My friend tried to pick up the slack, but was unable to overcome his wife’s inertia, and his children are not successful. They are not a joy to him, but a burden. I married someone who has a LOT of self-discipline, works so much harder than I ever could, and who understood the basic principles of child rearing. It’s not really principles, it’s just “principle”. That one principle is “Have some rules, and then follow them consistently”. I have three hugely successful children. By hugely successful, I mean “Moved out.”

And let me say my children are a joy to me. Real joy. Because at the end of the day, or at the end of the life, you look back at what you have enjoyed doing. What you will find is that it is things you have accomplished that provide real satisfaction. Doing a purely pleasurable activity, such as eating, drinking, or laying on the beach, is typically without satisfaction. Doing something well and accomplishing something, may be tough and painful while you are doing it, but leads to real satisfaction and happiness. And raising children is painful and tough and LONG. It’s awful when they are sick. It’s unbelievable amounts of time spent on various unrewarding and boring efforts of all kinds. It’s huge amounts of money on food, baby accoutrements, pink medicine, books, toys, doctors, driving, clothes, schools, bikes and the list goes on.

That’s not to say there aren’t fun moments as you go. There are. You just have to recognize and enjoy them when they come. I remember playing “The three little pigs” with my daughter and as I begged Aileen the wolf to please not eat me she admonished me to “Stop whining Daddy”. My son screaming “Thank you Santa” when he discovered a play station under the Christmas tree. Enjoying a day on scaffold replacing siding with my other son.

It’s also quite important to have the right attitude. I specifically remember a day when my wife informed me that we were taking the three children to the beach for an afternoon picnic. This was not on my Saturday list at all, but I was trapped. So, there I was sitting on the beach, baking in the sun being unhappy, when I decided that I might as well try to have as good a time as I could. I then proceeded to have a good time. Really. I could have decided to have a bad time and would have been successful at that too. But choosing to make the best of the time you have improves your overall enjoyment.

Where am I going with all this? I’m telling you to find a good spouse (worker, self disciplined, understands the child raising principle) and have children. I’m telling you to stay through the whole process because getting divorced and losing the children 10 years into it will be really painful for you because laws are set up to screw the dads. (A cousins’ ex-wife accused him of pedophilia and he was only permitted supervised visits after that. I didn’t believe the charge for a second, but the laws are not in our favor, and he was considered guilty on her word alone.) You will pay through the nose if you get divorced and many women use the children to hurt the father and try to turn the kids against the father. These things will also kill a lot of your satisfaction. I also know divorced fathers that have good relationships with their children so it’s not always bad, but it can be.

This puts real pressure on choosing the right partner in all this. Let me say that I got infatuated and married without doing due process with my wife. So I am saying do as I say, not as I have  done myself. It could have gone a lot worse for me, but I was lucky.

Back to the game of life. Spouse and children are the largest, and most important part of it, but what else is there?

Enjoy your career. Whatever you do enjoy it and be good at it. You get that same type of satisfaction you do with the children. You can look back and say “Man I was a pretty good project manager, or carpenter, or salesman” or whatever. This again is satisfaction through accomplishment, not through pleasure.

Pleasure is fleeting, but satisfaction is permanent. Choose tasks and goals that provide satisfaction. And try to look at the positive even while you are suffering through the present.